hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
