sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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