Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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