When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She bit a glass in half.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
