Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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