The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
