mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
