I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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