Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
