dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize