I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
