Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
