he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize