I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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