true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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