I could make wine with my vomit
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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