Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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