I accidentally burped into my bong.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
