I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
