great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
