too bad you live with your parents still
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
