But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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