Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
