so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
