After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize