FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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