Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
