shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
