and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
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