at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
