everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
