someone get that fucking seahorse.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
