Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
