Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
