What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
