i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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