I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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