I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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