jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Randomize
