I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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