And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
