Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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