Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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