I faked an abortion last night.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So squirting runs in the family.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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