the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
