fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
