Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
