My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize