I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Never underestimate the power of titties
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
