I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
