I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
