Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
