omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
