you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
