If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
