Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
