She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just high enough for therapy.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
