I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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