You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
