Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
time to smoke my breakfast
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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