giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
