So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize