It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
